November 8, 2006 - Day 286

The last couple of weeks have been especially tough for me as I have decided that I need to come to grips with the issues about whether or not Rand could come home to live some day in the future. At the urging of a friend, I have been making lists of pros and cons for both Rand and me. I've started another list of safety issues, yet another list of concerns for myself and yet more lists of unanswered questions. I have asked the professionals that work with Rand for their assessments and those created more pages of information. Last night I met with the speech therapist, followed by the doctor and nurse who own and operate Rand's Room. Those meetings, along with the rest of the information, gave me a pretty definitive answer. That answer is no, Rand will not be coming home to live. Not in the short term nor the long term. His deficits are so significant that he will not be safe here. I can not provide the level of care that he is receiving, even with round-the-clock help.

The doctor told me that Rand is fortunate in a way, because the portion of his brain that registers "psychic emotion" (I think that is the term he used) is no longer functioning. That is the part of the brain that longs for things gone, pines for what used to be. Rand doesn't have that capacity any more. He doesn't long to be able to walk again, to drive a car, to swing a golf club, mow the lawn. He might show signs of recognition of those activities but he isn't depressed about them, he doesn't miss them, he could care less. The doctor talked about people in Rand's situation who have that piece of the brain intact and what a horrible existence they have - continually depressed. He said that Rand is lucky in that way and so am I. He said that the guilt factor for the spouse is enormous in those situations.

We also discussed Rand's inability to communicate, especially his lack of ability to initiate signals for help and his complete lack of awareness of safety issues. He does not recognize unsafe situations any more, in short, has little or no common sense about changing situations. All of these things, plus dozens more, led me to the conclusion that I cannot have Rand live at home. I haven't even told you about the discussion around needing two care givers 24/7 for him, probably for ever, the monitoring of his health and his meds. The lists go on and on.

Now I have to start working on myself. Obviously, I'm the one with the problem here, not Rand. He is content, safe, well-cared for. I'm the one who misses him, wants things to be the way they were or at least a semblance of the way they were. This isn't the way things are supposed to be! Rand belongs at home. Down deep inside I think I have always thought that he would come home eventually. I have to deal with this so I can get on with life. I'll figure it out over time and get through this one too, with help from friends, Meg and myself. I must to come to grips with this, to be able to enjoy life again and take pleasure in Rand as he is now. Thanks for listening.

Keep Rand close.

Love,
Connie