Saturday, November 04, 2006

November 4, 2006 - Day 282

Recently, I have realized that I need to come to grips with the criteria for making a decision about if and/or when Rand can come home to live. The decision will not be easy, not fast, but deliberate, well-thought out, and as unemotional and as realistic as possible. To that end, I am bringing Rand home more often, noting physical barriers, safety issues, mental and emotional reactions and trying to keep it all in perspective. The decision won't be made for many, many months, and the transition, if any, would be slow and well-planned. The epistle below is from today and shows the range of feelings from the sublime to the ridiculous - from the scary to the sad.

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Today Rand and I had as normal a day at home as possible. It was very nice and it was especially nice not to have to run back and forth to his house, spend time with him and then come home and deal with stuff around our house. After lunch, I did the ironing while he watched football and golf. I dealt with email while he snoozed. I also took mental notes for my "coming home" criteria list as we went along. One major issue is that Rand can not summon help or assistance, therefore I have to check on him every few minutes. He was sitting at the kitchen table and wanted to watch TV so he scooted himself, in the kitchen chair, near the doorway so he could lean over and peer around the wall at the TV. Scared me to death when I found him! I hadn't left him alone for even 10 min. when I happened to return to the kitchen. He can not remember to use a bell, he cannot call out or summon me in any way and does not see or understand unsafe situations. It is incumbent on me or a caregiver to check on or be with him constantly. That whole thing is a MAJOR safety issue. I don't know if he can be trained to use a bell to call for help or not. So far, it hasn't worked.

When we arrived home today, I wheeled Rand on the sidewalk along the side of the house and came through the back sliding door in the living room. Later I discovered that while traveling on the sidewalk, I ran his wheelchair over the head/neck of a good sized, slow moving lizard! YUCK! Greasy, grimy, lizard guts all over the sidewalk and wheels!! I didn't notice it but when I told Rand about it, he knew. He watched it happen and said not a word. I then pushed his lizard covered wheelchair wheels merrily across our pale carpet. Double uff da!! Sort of funny, but it points out how little he reacts to. Normally, he would go out of his way to avoid hitting that lizard, would warn me of it, would call my attention to it. No more. It isn't important, not a concern. In his mind It is gone as quickly as it happened. The possible consequences of that "road kill" did not register at all.

Oh my. I loved having him home today, but the issues around him living here are so huge. Maybe I need to think in terms of other living arrangements for us. My list of pros and cons, cause and effect, yes and no, serious and silly will continue to grow as I wrestle with this decision. I know what Rand's decision would be. There is no question in my mind.

Keep him close. He was sad when I took him to his house tonight.

Love,
Connie

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