Oh, my - what an emotional rollercoaster of a day. This morning I went to see a friend and helped her out with some computer issues and she took me out for lunch. We had a good time. From there I went to see Meg, (the therapist who has helped me through this life-changing event) dragging all my baggage, worries and endless questions with me. I can't tell you all the things we discussed, the insights she gave me, but I felt better when I left. From there I went to spend time with Rand. He finished the 300 piece puzzle and we glued it together. A friend came by, the three of us went for a walk and then Rand wanted to start one of the sports puzzles another friend gave him. In between times, he ate a freshly picked tomato from our garden and loved it! He did not mention my absence yesterday, nor did I. I told him that we now have a new fountain and he smiled and nodded with some understanding. We reviewed his schedule for July, as it stands now, finished up the June tractor calendar and flipped over to the July center-fold a day early! Wow - that tractor is a real beauty! When I left I did not mention that I won't be there tomorrow as I have the SJ Rep play in the afternoon. As several have said, Rand lives in the moment and the moment constantly changes and so does his attention. If I'm not there, it probably doesn't occur to him that I'm gone. He was so surprised and happy to see me today - I could have been gone for a month rather than 24 hours.
In a nutshell, Meg and I discussed the fact that I am a "do-er." I have gotten through much of this nightmare by "doing" things for Rand to make him the best he can be. I set a goal, know the steps I have to take to get there, do them, accomplish that goal and move on to the next one. I've done that with all aspects of my life and it is one of the ways I have worked through anxiety during my career, marriage, day-to-day living. Now that I am in the acceptance phase of our lives, I can see the end is in sight for things I can do for Rand. Arranging for his therapy is coming to an end, I've done about all I can do with the speech generating device, I no longer have to take on the medical establishment, call meetings, set the agendas, take notes, run interference for him. All of those things kept me up to my ears, focused and sane for seventeen months and Rand was my full-time job 24/7. That is coming to an end and I have few places left to channel my anxiety and energy. Maybe finding a van with a hydraulic lift, maybe locating a better lounge chair for Rand, but that's easy, piddly stuff. Meg is suggesting, as she always has, that I need to look out for myself. I need to find an outlet other than Rand. I've known the day was coming but it always seemed somewhere in the future - but now it is here and I'm rattling around in my cage not knowing what to do or how to handle it. She also mentioned some "Freudian Slips" that I made in our conversation that indicate my confusion and unsettled state. Sometimes I said "our or we," other times I said "my or I," as in "my house/our house; my car/our car; the tomatoes from our Farm/my Farm," etc. Where does Rand fit into my world? Am I "I" or am I "we?" What will I do when I no longer have to make his well-bring my top priority? Meg is sure that I will be OK, will land on my feet when all is said and done. But anxiety and worry are not something I handle well and my coping mechanism is coming to an end. Now I understand that it isn't worry and anxiety about doing the right things, but anxiety and worry about not having anything to "do." One day at a time, just one day at a time and it will all work out. It always does. But I want to know what to plan for next, I need to know what I have to accomplish in order to be helpful and satisfied, to make Rand the best he can be. The answer my friends, is blowing in the wind - I hate the wind! Will I ever be able to sit back and watch the world go by with out jumping on board and trying to organize it? I wonder - I sure hope so.
Keep Rand close.
Love,
Connie
No comments:
Post a Comment