Oh, how close we are getting to Day 365. Full circle. One year of astounding, " 'mazing" events, progress, set backs, life changes. I can't tell you how often I wondered if both of us would make it. Thirty-seven days left and counting.
I've also wondered how I would ever get through the Christmas season without Rand. A thousand times I came within inches of canceling out of this cruise. Last summer I changed our stateroom to one that was handicapped equipped so Rand could go with us. I looked into the cost of taking a full time care giver along. Then I thought I could take care of Rand myself. Finally, reality hit and I canceled Rand's reservation, reverted back to our original stateroom and decided to keep the commitment we had made to my sister and friends. Now I can't even imagine that I ever considered not going on this cruise. I am in such need of a change of scenery, of routine, in need of fun, laughter, good times, eating someone else's cooking (!!) for eight straight days, I can't tell you! The thought of sitting home Christmas Eve, trying to make Christmas Day fun and good for Rand is almost more than I can handle right now. In spite of all that, I still have mixed emotions about leaving him. I know, I know - he'll be fine. Maybe I will see progress in him when I return that I usually don't see because I am so close to him.
This afternoon we had a good long visit from our niece, Beth, her husband Eric and daughter Anya. It has been several years since we've been together so it was a good time. It is Eric's dad, Bill, who frequently brings his barber-shop quartet to sing at Rand's home. Anya (age 6) sang "Away In A Manger" for us and Rand chimed in a bit at the end. A grand afternoon.
For his birthday last February, I gave Rand a single disk cd player/radio that he could have by his hospital bed. What an unenlightened decision that was! He can no more handle cds than fly to the moon. He can no more deal with the buttons on a small cd player/radio than fly to the moon! Uff da. So today, his Christmas present was a speaker unit that holds our iPod and is operated by a remote. The iPod is programed with hundreds and hundreds of pieces of music so he can surf to his heart's content. The stereotype of guys and remotes must be true because Rand is still an expert with them! I set it up for him and he smiled from ear to ear as he operated the volume, the on/off switch, etc. I hope this will be more successful. Manny happily took the cd player and holders for cds.
Tomorrow is our big day - Rand opens the last of his Christmas presents while we have a quiet time together and then go to a friend's house to watch football, eat pizza, munch, sip, and enjoy the company of friends. I'm dreading saying good-bye to Rand tomorrow night. He won't be upset if I can stay in control, be happy and smiling when I leave him. Rand will have another rash of Christmas presents on Christmas Day and a special Christmas dinner and celebration at his home. You should see all the gifts under the beautiful tree! I doubt that the feast will include lutefisk and lefse!
I had a good session with Meg last night. She always helps me get a grip on reality and leads me to insights that have passed me by. Rand has little understanding of what is going on with Christmas, the significance, the rituals, the celebration. I'm the one knocking myself out to rekindle memories of Christmas's past, to continue the traditions - none of which mean anything to Rand this year. But now we are starting new traditions. In many ways, this is our first Christmas together. It is another time, it is starting over from scratch, we are both different people than we were a year ago. Our 43 year old traditions are now sweet memories and it is time to move on and start anew. It sounds good, uplifting, brave, clean and reverent, but MAN IS IT HARD TO DO!! And the new path is a slippery slope greased with many, many tears. A dear college friend called this morning and we had a good talk, shed a few tears, laughed and gave each other a long distance hug. It was good for the soul.
Keep Rand so very close this Christmas season. Being Rand's wife is the best job in the world!
Love,
Connie
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