May 15, 2008

Last week, Rand's doctor ordered a CT scan of Rand's brain as he hadn't had one for over two years. The doctor warned me that the progress I'm seeing in Rand is the result of minute nerve endings that are reconnecting (there are millions more to go) and they are so tiny that they will not show up on the scan. I stood behind the tech during the scan and I was so happy to see what appeared to me to be a smaller area of the "black hole" that was the left side of Rand's brain. I just knew that there would be progress shown in the scan! Obviously, I didn't know what I was seeing as the doctor called a couple of days later to inform me that there is no change in Rand's brain in the last two years. That news was a punch in the stomach as I was convinced that there was/would be visible improvement.

I guess that is why the reading project is not going very well. It has only been a month or so, but I don't see any progress in letter, word, color or shape recognition. He can not remember things from one minute to the next, let alone a few hours or a day. He can sing the alphabet song with about 60% accuracy, but he can not recognize any of the letters in or out of order. He has memorized several names and a couple of short phrases that he can write but that is about it. Now I'm even wondering about the Speech Generating Device - is it worth the hundreds of hours it will take to program it.

This news was very depressing. I really, really thought there would be evidence that the massive damage was slowly being repaired by time, mental stimulation, physical exercise, relearning to coordinate his body, to attend to things around him, problem solving, etc. I know Rand has made tremendous progress and I guess I will have to be content with that. I will have to start accepting the fact that the damage can not be fixed, even in small bits and pieces.
Rand has not asked about the results of the CT scan and I haven't volunteered any information. I'm sure he doesn't even remember going to the hospital for the test. So be it.

Love,
Connie