This started out as a normal day with a trip to the hospital for therapy. On the way back I asked Rand if he would like to come home for dinner. He would, so at 5:00 I picked him up and brought him home for a chicken dinner with all the trimmings. We were having a glass of red wine in the family room when I went into the kitchen to get dinner moving. After about a minute I called out and asked if he was OK. Hearing nothing, I went into the family room and there he was - covered in red wine! His shoes, the wheelchair, the floor, magazines, books, the carpet, table, even the nut bowl was full! I have no idea what happened - the wine glass was sitting on the table right where it belonged, empty. You can imagine what Rand's reaction would have been under normal circumstances! Once again, I was amazed and clunked upside the head by his lack of any reaction or emotion. He didn't answer me when I called to him, he not only can't ask for help but he doesn't recognize situations where he needs it. He sat there and smiled, content to wait until his situation was discovered and corrected. He wasn't upset or concerned in the least. I then brought him into the kitchen where he sat at the table and watched while I finished making dinner. I watched him like a hawk and he sat and smiled happily and then ate a hearty meal. His table manners are still impeccable.
After dinner we "talked" for a while about his being home. He loves it. It feels good to him. It looks the same. Then I ventured into the unknown territory of his coming home to live. I know, I know - but I can't shake the notion that this is where he belongs and where I want him to be. He shook his head and said, "No." I said that if we could get to the point where he could do some things for himself, we might be able to make it work. Again, he said no. I asked if he believed he would ever live here again and he said no. We spent some more time together and he indicated that he was ready to leave and I took him to his house about 7:30. He wasn't sad to leave, although I think he loved his time here. We'll do it again soon.
I think of this house as being the same as it was a year ago. I forget that I have made changes and have started making it more comfortable just for me. Tonight when I wheeled Rand around, I was amazed to realize what I have done. Nothing major, just subtile changes that he noticed and I had forgotten. He loves this house. No matter what, he loves this house. I guess that it is now almost unanimous - including Rand, that he will not live here again. I'm the only hold out. I can talk the talk but I can't walk the walk of him never coming home to live. I don't know what it is going to take to get that through my skull and into my heart. Tonight's wine incident was another reminder of how helpless and dependent he is and how nonchalant and carefree his world is.
Tomorrow we are off to Santa Cruz for the beginning of another session of super-duper PT and OT.
Keep Rand close.
Love,
Connie